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It started successful 1998, pinch a symptom successful Ken Rideout’s ankle. A podiatrist gave him a medicine for 7 Percocet, a supplier containing nan opioid oxycodone. Rideout was a high-flying commodity trader successful New York, outwardly successful but racked pinch impostor syndrome. The Percocet dulled his ft symptom – and besides his anxiety. Rideout was utilized to intoxicant and cocaine, but this was different. He felt happy, assured and optimistic.
He returned to nan podiatrist for much pills. Then more. Soon he was altering nan prescriptions manually, changing a 7 into a 2 and adding a zero, earlier targeting smaller pharmacies that wouldn’t tally verification checks.
A twelvemonth aft starting nan pills, Rideout moved to London for work. This was an opportunity, he thought, for a cleanable break. But wrong a week he was suffering utmost withdrawal: depression, delirium from days of mislaid sleep, overwhelming flu-like symptoms. He called his younger relative and asked him to FedEx a batch of a caller supplier he had publication astir called OxyContin, which, depending connected nan dose, tin incorporate a importantly higher magnitude of oxycodone per pill than Percocet. The OxyContin made Rideout consciousness astonishing again. He recovered a backstage expert who would prescribe nan pills.
“I wasn’t moreover happiest erstwhile I took nan drugs,” says Rideout. “I was happiest knowing that they were coming.”
Rideout flirted pinch sobriety, attending Narcotics Anonymous while successful London. He tried Subutex, a medicine utilized to dainty opioid addiction by easing withdrawal symptoms, but erstwhile it was clip to travel disconnected that too, he couldn’t do it. No matter really overmuch he tried to wean himself disconnected Subutex, he would yet relapse. “I’d gotten myself hooked connected a supplier that had nary high,” he writes of opioids successful his recently published memoir, Everything You Want Is connected nan Other Side of Hard. “They termination joy, too. Not conscionable joyousness and happiness but immoderate consciousness of pleasure, immoderate consciousness of completion aliases fulfilment aliases basal quality connection.”
His struggle pinch opioids and Subutex lasted years. A activity stress, a bad run, difficulties astatine location – thing would extremity him complete nan separator and he would move to pills for relief. During 1 peculiarly reliable spell he publication astir “pill mill” pharmacies successful Florida that were prescribing opioids successful monolithic quantities – wrong days he had placed orders astatine 10 of them. At his lowest ebb, he needed 10 pills a time conscionable to debar withdrawal. “I was mostly taking 20 to 30 oxycodone tablets per day,” says Rideout. “The pills made maine vacillate betwixt very high, euphoric and very erratic, depressed and highly irritable.”
In nan early 00s, connected a nighttime retired successful Manhattan, a communal friend introduced Rideout to a exemplary called Shelby. They deed it off, ditched nan friend and went consecutive to her place, wherever they stayed up each nighttime talking. A whirlwind of dates and weekends together soon followed. Rideout was conflicted: thrilled to person recovered nan female he wanted to walk his life with; fearful she would observe his addiction and extremity their relationship.
In 2007, Rideout joined Shelby, and 3 years later, successful August 2010, came nan telephone that would alteration his life. The mates had been trying to commencement a family pinch nary luck, and now an take agency brought connection of a four-week-old woman successful Ethiopia who needed parents. They went done nan support process and were told they could recreation to meet her successful November. They were ecstatic. Shelby knew her hubby had been connected and disconnected drugs, but had nary thought astir nan ferocity of his opioid addiction.
Thirty days earlier he was owed to recreation to Ethiopia, Rideout knew he had to get sober – he didn’t want to beryllium “erratic, unpredictable and severely depressed while besides trying to beryllium a dad”. He checked into an outpatient detox installation successful New York wherever they checked his vitals each time for a week and gave him medicine (Ritalin to enactment awake, Xanax to sleep, humor unit medicine and a fast-acting antidepressant). After nan first week he would beryllium eligible for a changeable of Vivitrol, which blocks opioid receptors successful nan encephalon for up to a month.
Three days into nan treatment, Rideout was truthful depressed he couldn’t time off nan bedroom. He was dripping pinch sweat, shivering, flooded pinch self-loathing and felt connected nan brink of a bosom attack. When he woke up successful nan nighttime to usage nan toilet, he passed out, smashing his caput connected nan measurement down. He came to, lying successful a excavation of his ain urine, while Shelby cradled his caput and cried.
The effect of hiding his constituent maltreatment from Shelby had been profound. He had felt for illustration a fraud and often thought astir suicide. “The lowest infinitesimal of my life was decidedly erstwhile my woman recovered maine unconscious successful nan bath trying to detox and withdrawing from nan opioids,” he says. Finally, he confessed everything.
Today, we’re speaking complete video call, Rideout from his location agency successful Nashville, wherever he sits successful beforehand of shelves lined pinch signed sports memorabilia. He has thick-rimmed glasses and an moreover thicker Boston accent. Importantly, he is sober.
Rideout’s memoir is simply a warts-and-all relationship of his travel from an abusive puerility successful nan Boston suburbs, to becoming a high-flying trader, to navigating a decade-long addiction to opioids, earlier becoming a apical endurance athlete. Astonishingly, aft years of constituent abuse, he became 1 of nan fastest marathon runners successful nan world complete 50. Last month, astatine 54, he topped some nan 40+ and 50+ categories astatine nan Austin half-marathon, pinch a clip of 1 hr 15 minutes.
Rideout was calved successful 1971 successful Somerville, Massachusetts, a “bombed-out blue-collar suburb of Boston”, he writes, increasing up successful a poor, Irish Catholic household. His parents were young erstwhile they had him – his mother 19 and begetter 20 – and they had his relative Keith 11 months later, earlier getting divorced. Rideout lived pinch his mother and relative connected nan apical level of his maternal grandmother’s house. His grandma and her boy Barney lived connected nan level below.
Rideout says his mother was ever overwhelmed and taking pills. He writes successful his memoir that he can’t callback immoderate portion of his puerility erstwhile he wasn’t getting hit. Mostly, he says, it was his mother and various boyfriends of hers. His mother tried to guidelines up to them astatine first, but soon conscionable looked nan different way. A mates of weekends a month, Rideout would spell to enactment pinch his father, which felt for illustration an escape, but while his begetter tried to intervene to extremity nan unit astatine home, thing really changed.
Rideout was a mediocre kid successful a mediocre neighbourhood. “From my earliest childhood, I was conscionable really uncomfortable pinch my circumstances,” he says. He was ashamed that nan family were reliant connected nutrient stamps. “I hated it. I mean, arsenic a kid, I was mortified.”
He wanted to spell to college, truthful he focused connected getting bully grades and excelling astatine sport. After finishing precocious schoolhouse he worked arsenic a situation guard, past attended assemblage aft being recruited by a shot coach. He covered nan fees pinch a operation of loans and assistance from his dad. While there, Rideout discovered cocaine. Nights retired would impact drinking, snorting and getting into fights.
The fighting stopped erstwhile he landed a occupation successful pharma income and moved to New York. He progressed quickly done a bid of jobs and was soon earning decent money arsenic a commodity trader. When he moved to London, aged 29, he was fixed a $250,000 (£188,000) signing prize by his caller firm. “At nan time, it felt for illustration a stone prima manner and you’re young and you tin do narcotics each nighttime and get up successful nan greeting and still function,” he says. “I didn’t really person thoughts astir nan future.”
But nan move to London was besides erstwhile nan stone prima emotion started to deterioration off. “I realised really terrible my addiction was. That’s erstwhile I realised that this was each unsustainable.” He was moody, unpredictable. “My addiction affected my expertise to forge heavy connections pinch astir group because it took precedence complete everything successful my life.”
Shelby had a beforehand statement spot to Rideout’s temper swings. “She had started to drawback mini glimpses, passim our relationship, that I was struggling pinch constituent maltreatment issues but didn’t realise nan extent.” When Rideout confessed what was really happening, she was horrified, “but she besides loved maine and quickly went into saviour mode and did everything she could to thief me.”
Aside from a fewer mini relapses, Rideout has been sober since confessing to Shelby successful 2010. “My relapses person been a fistful of insignificant – comparatively speaking – bad decisions usually spaced retired by months aliases years,” he says. These were often triggered by periods of accent and anxiety, or: “I’d travel crossed personification who had pills, aliases a expert would connection maine a medicine for a morganatic wounded I’d sustained.”
After nan mates adopted their daughter, they had 3 biologic sons and moved to Nashville. Rideout has ever been athletic, playing lucky alongside shot arsenic a kid. Even erstwhile his addiction was astatine its worst, he exercised moderately. With sobriety, training became a refuge and he picked up nan intensity. “When I recovered moving and endurance sports, I sewage my jock personality backmost and besides recovered an area to attraction attention that was antecedently going to self-destructive behaviours.”
He began moving 10 miles a time arsenic difficult and accelerated arsenic he could, and started competing successful marathons and robust man contests. In 2012, aft completing a 112-mile motorcycle thrust successful nan power of Kona, Hawaii, astatine nan Ironman world championship, Rideout felt utterly surgery and discontinue nan title without finishing. It was a determination he instantly regretted. He told himself he would ne'er discontinue again.
When he sewage location he started moving pinch a trainer for nan first time. Since then, Rideout has group a individual champion marathon clip of 2:28:25 and is recognised arsenic 1 of nan fastest marathon runners successful nan 50+ section astatine World Marathon Majors races.
Is he amazed he has been capable to execute these results contempt his years of addiction? “Everything that has happened successful my life since I sewage sober has been shocking to me, not conscionable surprising,” he says. “Getting sober is my top accomplishment successful life. None of nan moving achievements are moreover close.”
Running has brought Rideout unthinkable highs, but besides lows – nan competitions person taken him distant from his family for agelong periods and he often suffers slump aft a race, aliases humiliation if he hasn’t performed arsenic good arsenic he expected. After 1 peculiarly terrible affectional plunge, pursuing competing successful each six World Marathon Majors complete 18 months, Rideout went to an intensive four-day therapy programme successful agrarian Tennessee. There he attended AA-style meetings and therapy sessions successful which he yet started to understand nan trauma he had been carrying since childhood.
“For nan longest time, I convinced myself that thing bothered me,” he says. “I conscionable pushed it down. And past erstwhile I was forced to face these emotions, I opened my eyes to nan reality that it doesn’t make you anemic … Once I realised that, it was a weight disconnected my shoulders.”
When Rideout was increasing up, he saw nan supplier users astir him arsenic losers. “So erstwhile I recovered myself successful that business I thought of myself arsenic a loser. I had ever had precocious self-esteem and confidence, and erstwhile I went done this addiction conflict it decidedly destroyed a level of my self-esteem.” Has he managed to retrieve it? “Some. I’m decidedly not wherever I was anterior to nan addiction.”
“I judge nan work for each azygous point that I did and each determination I ever made,” he says. “Ultimately, anyone who’s gone done addiction knows that nan only personification that tin prevention you is you.”
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