A Moment That Changed Me: I Slipped In The Shower, Realised I Was Exhausted – And Transformed My Life

For arsenic agelong arsenic I tin remember, I person been eager and hopeless to beryllium myself. It started pinch a competitory tone astatine schoolhouse sports days, past a determination to onshore parts successful section theatre productions, past a spot astatine play school. I was betwixt acting jobs erstwhile a friend suggested I effort standup. One gig and I was hooked.

I quickly decided drama was my early and I would do immoderate it took to make it work. The remainder of my life went retired of nan window. I gigged perpetually – often six nights a week – wished to hone my trade and found myself arsenic a comedian. I was ever knackered, but I revelled successful it, telling myself I loved nan hustle. I trod nan boards astatine drama clubs, creation centres, theatres … anyplace that would person me. I performed for six years astatine nan Edinburgh show fringe – nan first 2 to very small fanfare (and assemblage numbers), but aft that, things started to rev up. I was booked for bigger shows, sometimes abroad, sometimes connected TV. I felt arsenic if I was really hitting my stride.

Then nan pandemic happened. I had spent truthful agelong being obsessed pinch my occupation that, erstwhile it stopped, I didn’t rather cognize who I was aliases what to do pinch myself. In nan strategy of things, I was enormously lucky: I sewage to walk loads much clip pinch my partner, Alice, and our awesome daughter. All of a sudden, I was personification I ne'er knew I had wanted to be: a homebody. I had my girls, my sofa and much banana breadstuff than I attraction to retrieve – moreover my aged pal worry seemed to person taken a holiday. It was glorious. Then, nan world opened backmost up, my profession kicked disconnected again and my circuit resumed aft a two-year hiatus. The hustle was back! I could gig 5 times a week, alongside signaling 2 podcasts and occasional TV and power spots. I was moving nonstop – conscionable really I liked it.

Suzi Ruffell, pictured successful Montreal successful 2022. Photograph: Lily Morris

I sewage booked for nan Just for Laughs drama show successful Montreal successful 2022, a feather successful nan headdress of immoderate standup comedian. I had visions of smashing my gig and coming location pinch an American supplier (I americium alert Montreal is successful Canada, but it’s wherever US agents spell to look for world talent). I boarded nan level pinch a hope, a dream – and a ruptured disc successful my spine (L4, if you’re interested). But I stocked up connected beardown painkillers and decided that nan opportunity was excessively bully to miss.

The shows went good but, erstwhile I sewage backmost to my hotel, I hopped successful nan shower, slipped and had a backmost tense which, paired pinch nan ruptured disc, rendered maine beautiful overmuch immobile.

I crawled backmost to nan room, realising it was excessively precocious successful nan time to telephone my wife, my mum, aliases my agent, who were each successful nan UK. Instead, I cried – and I mean really sobbed – into nan carpet, while watching videos of Alice and our girl connected my phone. That was nan infinitesimal I realised I was exhausted.

Over nan pursuing weeks I saw an osteopath, a GP and a therapist who each beautiful overmuch said nan aforesaid thing: I was burning nan candle astatine some ends and my assemblage couldn’t return it. If I kept going, I was told I could expect much injuries, much worry and imaginable burnout. Faced pinch nan prime betwixt a blinkered, unrelenting attraction connected my career, aliases spending clip pinch my family, I knew that my family would triumph each time.

Now, I make judge I americium ne'er distant for much than 3 nights successful a row. I ne'er miss swimming connected a Sunday aliases family meal connected Monday evening. I don’t crave nan deed I utilized to get from performing – instead, I americium much than happy reciting bedtime stories for an enthusiastic assemblage of one. At 39, I americium nary longer obsessed pinch gaining different people’s approval. I americium relieved I person clip to breathe; I bask my job, but I besides make judge I person clip to bask life extracurricular work, too.

I still person ambition, I still gig and circuit – but presently my five-year-old thinks I americium nan coolest personification connected nan planet, and I’m not deluded capable to judge that’s going to past for ever. I’ve learned to slow down, savour nan infinitesimal and, astir importantly, fto spell of nan hustle.

Am I Having Fun Now? by Suzi Ruffell is published by Pan Macmillan (£18.99). To support nan Guardian, bid your transcript astatine guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges whitethorn apply.